


stardust in your eyes but blood on your hands

by chaoticsandstorm



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aliens, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Oikawa Tooru Likes Aliens, Wishing For Alien Abduction, basically oikawa ranting about his interests for a few hours, iwaizumi and oikawa are both children in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 07:33:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16342493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticsandstorm/pseuds/chaoticsandstorm
Summary: If Tooru is missing a heart as his father says, it would explain many things. It would explain why he tries so hard at volleyball. To fill the cavity in his chest with something else. Stars, volleyball, aliens, everything goes straight into his empty pit of a chest. Maybe if he tries hard enough his hobbies will be able to make up for the absence, so no one even notices it is gone.(in which tooru is something awful and waits for everyone else to realise this too)





	stardust in your eyes but blood on your hands

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [take us down and all apart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11004504) by [ohmygodwhy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmygodwhy/pseuds/ohmygodwhy). 



> this can be read as any kind of abuse, but with the new edits it's leaning more towards all of them. it's based on my experiences but i am not familiar with physical abuse so if you see any issues i need to fix or you have a suggestion on how to make it more realistic, please leave a comment or a message.
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHILD ABUSE, NEGLECT, AND IMPLIED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The park is cold at night.

Tooru sits on the swings and watches the stars slowly appear in the darkening sky. They look like diamonds suspended in the air. They look precious and wonderful, which is why people gasp in amazement once the sky darkens enough for them to shine. Tooru knows they're really just dust and hydrogen, compressed into a ball by gravity over millions of years. They're nothing special. Some come in binary or trinary star systems, but there's nothing like that in this universe. Maybe that makes it all special, but Tooru just thinks it makes it boring.

Hajime likes to ask why he's so obsessed with the stars if they're really just balls of gas. He usually asks while kicking a ball around disinterestedly, or crouching in the dirt and looking for bugs. Toou never has an answer for him. Maybe he just likes that no matter how many times they run out of fuel and die, there is always something new to take their place. A stellar nebula turns to a massive star, to a red supergiant, to a supernova, dying but turning into a neutron star or a black hole. Death is not the end for them. It is just another stage of existence.

Tooru thinks that if the two of them were to go supernova,  Hajime would become a neutron star. Small and dense but still a star. Tooru would become a black hole.

 _Why are you the black hole,_ Hajime would ask. Tooru would never answer him, but the two of them would know deep down that it is just how Tooru is. He sucks everyone into his orbit and destroys them. Just like his parents. Like a parasite, he leeches off Hajime's light and refuses to go away.

The swings are cold plastic and are faintly damp from dew. Tooru doesn't care. He can get sick and die, for all it matters. See, Tooru doesn't have a heart. If he got sick enough for an ambulance the doctors would put their stethoscopes to his chest and mistake him for a dead person, turning to each other in confusion because _this boy is missing a heart._

That's what his father told him. He's heartless, he's cruel. He's stupid. He doesn't think things through. Tooru knows it's true because he looked for his mother and she wouldn't meet his eye, sitting heavily in her seat and focusing on the grain of the wooden table. Tooru had to try very hard not to cry. His shuddering breathing betrayed him anyways.

If Tooru is missing a heart as his father says, it would explain many things. It would explain why he tries so hard at volleyball. To fill the cavity in his chest with something else. _Thud, thud, thud._ Balls flying through the air and slamming down against the ground, like meteors shooting to earth. He latches onto the feeling volleyball gives him, of power, of hope, of control, and stuffs it into his empty pit of a chest like that will make up for the absence, like no one will notice if he just fills himself up with stars, and volleyball, and aliens. Maybe if he tries hard enough his hobbies will eventually form some semblance of a heart, so no one even notices it is gone. It will be a poor imitation, but he will not be hollow anymore.

Sometimes, it feels like his head is hollow too. People bring up days he can't remember, things he never said, actions he never remembers going through with. He wakes up in the middle of a daze and wonders how he is in this class when he clearly recalls being somewhere else, talking to Hajime. He has trouble remembering all sorts of things. Sometimes, he can't even remember what his father looks like. All he can conjure is a faintly blurry face and a starkly clear view of the kitchen, where his mother is seated and crying. He doesn't look at his father often. Maybe that is why. Sometmes, if someone prompts him, he can remember. It's like only having an outline of a shape. You know what the shape is, you know it's there, but you just can't see details or colour. When someone fills in those details for him, it becomes easier to fill in the rest himself, like a half-completed colouring sheet. Other times, even though an outline is drawn for him and the details are filled in and colour is added, it remains a blank white sheet. Erased. Memories leak from his brain as though it is a sieve. It scares Tooru sometimes, but he supposes you can't miss what you don't remember. You can't get scared of something you don't remember, either. Sometimes Tooru forgets to be afraid, forgets that his father is the bogeyman that lurks in the darkness of every corner. He berates himself for being scared, for being stupid, and drifts through the day like a dream. Sometimes he lays bleeding on the floor, absurdly convinced the entire episode is fake. He is not really there. This is not really happening. The thoughts usually last until the pain cuts through the fog, swelling, building, and he begins to scream.

Since Tooru is missing a heart, it would make sense if he was missing a brain too. _Stupid, lazy._ There is no point to loving volleyball as he does. It is not logical, it is not smart. It is just something he loves with all of his being and something to throw himself into when the pressure in his head builds too much. Tooru knows he has a bad knee. He's careful at school not to overdo it, and he knows that as long as he is careful and smart nothing bad will ever happen. He just needs to stay careful and smart and make sure his door is locked.

Tooru goes to the park a lot. His parents never notice him slipping away, never care much when they do. His mother watches him go with tired eyes, and his father is never home to begin with. Tooru goes to the park to walk around. When he was younger, he used to bring his favourite ET stuffed toy and show him around, pushing him on the old rickety swings. Tooru is too old for that now. He still goes to the park to walk around, but just as often he slips away in the middle of the night and goes to watch the stars.

He doesn't like being home. Hajime knows and tries to accompany him as much as possible. Sometimes they talk and hunt for bugs, other times Hajime just lays down next to Tooru and watches the stars in silence with him. Hajime is yet to learn how bad Tooru is. He is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Hajime to stand up one day, brushing the dirt off his ridiculous khaki shorts, and declare he is done chasing after silly Tooru, done with Tooru's flightiness and constant games. Hajime is a ridiculous person at times, with his Godzilla obsession and claims that parents aren't supposed to fight, but once he makes up his mind he sticks to it. If Hajime decides Tooru is not worth his time, there will be no going back. Tooru can cry as much as he wants but Hajime will never change his mind.

Tooru is afraid of the dark. He didn't even realise at first. It was always just something that lingered in the periphery, creeping quietly inside his door. When people talk of fear they mention nightmares, screaming, becoming paralysed with inaction. Tooru was always just a bit nervous.

Lots of things happen in the dark. Anything could be hidden in the dark. Anybody could hide anything in the dark, like how his mother cries sometimes but pretends that no one can see her, sun stowed away somewhere and the moon left to throw shadows over her face like a veil. Only the moon doesn't throw shadow. It throws light. And what it illuminates is always something Tooru doesn't want to see, like the shattered remains of ceramic on the floor or the gleaming silver of a discarded wedding ring. Sometimes, a doorknob turning ever-so-slowly, leaving Tooru muffling his panicked panting with his pillow, fear flooding his veins. His father always comes at night.

Nobody is safe in the dark.

The park is a safe place. No matter how early or late it is, Tooru can go to the swingset and push himself for hours without ever seeing anyone. He practices volleyball sometimes. He likes seeing the ball leave his fingertips, arcing through the air and landing squarely in Hajime's outstretched palm, arm already forcing the ball back to the ground. It makes him feel important. Hajime is amazing, but he can't do his spikes without Tooru's setting. Sometimes he even gives Tooru a clap on the back and an _amazing_. Tooru controls the ball. He controls where it goes, at what speed, who it goes to. He can't stop his mother from crying or his father from breaking their very best serving plates, but Tooru can control this. The coach at school thinks he's really good. Good enough to get into a sports school, when it comes to that in a few years. It'd be good. He could get away. He could be the best and the most talented and have everyone fawning over him all day, impressed with his skill and his attitude. Hajime would be there, obviously. He wouldn't admit he was proud but he would give Tooru a firm nod and his eyes would be shining. No more dark. Just light.

On the good days, Tooru is at the park bright and early. Hajime meets him afterwards. They practice until their arms ache and plop themselves down on the grass, just breathing quietly. Then they get up again. _Thud, thud, thud._ Tooru never feels more powerful than when he is setting for Hajime. Fingers outstretched like a net, ready to catch the ball and deliver it straight to Hajime.

When they grow tired of volleyball, they go hunting for bugs. They find more when it's dark. You have to listen for their quiet chirping, but iit's worth the effort to look down at the wriggling bug in his hands at the end, at the glow on Hajime's face. Dirt still clings to his palm. The bug is so small, so weird. It looks like an alien shot to earth. And isn't that a thought. Maybe it is. Maybe the bug was shot to Earth from Mars or Jupiter. Maybe, if he asks the bug really nicely, Tooru can be sent to Mars instead.

Hajime isn't with him today. Tooru doesn't want him to be, either. He needs to stay well away from Tooru, out of the park, out of the volleyball court, out of Tooru's life. Tooru isn't as dazzling bright as Hajime thinks. He's just a freak obsessed with stars and aliens, who can _kind of_ play volleyball well, who cries whenever he has to go home because he knows what awaits. It's much better for Hajime if he just stays away.

Tooru's father says he is missing a heart. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that it was forcibly torn from his chest and stomped on at a very early age, and with the hole being violently renewed each time he goes home Tooru doesn't ever think it'll heal properly. Sometimes things happen and Tooru just forgets about it the day or week after it happens. Sometimes he remembers. Sometimes he doesn't. He is missing a heart and that will never be something he can cover up or hide. Everyone will find out about it eventually and despise him, just as his father says.

He thinks of the calculated distance in the house, every person and object painstakingly positioned relative to his father. They dance around him, tip-toe, plan everything around him, including the positioning of the furniture. Whatever is easily breakable is stashed away. Tooru's father comes home late so his mother cannot serve dinner until his arrival. Demands it. Tooru's mother paces around the kitchen in a frenzy each night, looking from the clock to the rapidly cooling food, shaking her head when Tooru asks if he can go to bed yet, there's a game on tomorrow. Her nerves are ruined. What once was steel is now bent and rusted beyond repair. She just watches the clock, listens to its ticking, waits for the door to open. Sometimes Tooru's father comes home reeking of floral perfume and bearing smeared lipstick stains near his lips. Sometimes Tooru's father doesn't come home at all, and Tooru is send to bed with a growling stomach because no one can eat dinner without him. When it is a perfume night his mother starts shaking, standing from her chair and body lined with tension, holding a teatowel stiffly in her hand. She asks questions, questions, questions, chattering constantly, asking _where have you been_ , and _whose perfume is that?_ , and _I sat up with Tooru for hours, and this is the shit you pull?_ She stands with her arms across her chest, waiting for an answer and an apology that never comes. The only answer Tooru ever hears is a sudden shriek and something clattering to the floor, followed by a bout of yelling. Tooru's mother is passive, mostly, but when it comes to the perfume nights something inside her breaks and releases the rage she conceals to carefully, an ocean of suppressed anger and misery crashing onto the kitchen tiles. All this earns her is pain. Fighting back does not protect her, silence does not protect her, and sometimes Tooru is afraid he is merely mirroring his mother's path. Alternating between anger and sadness, resistance and silence. His mother cycles between her moods and phases, sometimes screaming and throwing plates back at Tooru's father, sometimes laying on the floor with _emptyhollowdead_ eyes, just taking it because she is too tired to fight back.

Tooru checks the lock on his door compulsively, obsessively. Put your bag down. Walk straight to your room. Check the lock and hear its clicking. Sometimes, when Tooru is upset, he sits in his room for hours, just click-click-clicking the lock, checking and double-checking and triple-checking that it works. Ignoring the yelling, the crashing, the banging. Just sitting cross-legged in front of his door and shutting everything else out. He can never leave the door locked for very long, of course, but the illusion of control is better than nothing at all.

If he were taken away by aliens, every door would lock automatically and there would be cool DNA technology so that no one but Tooru could go into his room. The stars would be impossibly large, impossibly bright from the windows of the spaceship, and because they would be so close to the stars he could turn to Hajime and tell him _see, the stars really are just dust and gas._ Hajime would shrug, turning away from the window, and brush it off quickly, but his eyes would go wide at the aliens that look exactly like a larger version of the bug they found one night. Of course Hajime would be there. Tooru can never go anywhere without Hajime.

Deep down, Tooru knows Hajime would never leave him. He complains loudly and frequently about Tooru's clinginess but never actually makes a move to push Tooru's arm off his shoulders, has never closed the door in Tooru's face, has never _not_ given in when Tooru demands they watch a movie, never failed to turn up at the park to collect Tooru. The fear still lingers. Tooru is trying. He doesn't want to be like his mother, sitting up late and face illuminated by the screen of a phone that is not her own, frantically checking messages and emails for something she has no proof of.

Hajime sits with him on dark nights and allows Tooru to babble endlessly about the shining pinpricks above them. He thinks he loves Hajime for that. His mother only ever sighs and rests her head on the kitchen table, saying _go away Tooru, I'm busy_ , and spreading sheets of paper all over the surface. Tooru thinks his mother has a heart. He knows she did, once, remembers ice cream and trips to the park, way back in the days before it became a refuge. She had a heart once. She just doesn't anymore. Tooru's father stole it from her just as surely as he did Tooru's.

He knows his mother doesn't mean to be cruel. Just like Tooru didn't mean to hurt his classmate when he pushed him down, veins full of red-hot lava. He can't control it. He was jealous of that boy, just like his mother is jealous of whoever's messages she keeps reading, just like how his mother stares at other mothers for a few seconds too long when it is parent-teacher night, and just like how Tooru is continually jealous of everyone and everything. Their mother doesn't look at them like they are something a cat chewed up and left on the doormat. Their father doesn't throw food scraps and glass bottles at their head for forgetting to wipe his shoes at the door. Maybe the key to everything is that Tooru's mother is bad too. His father says she is, calls her names and grabs her hair, calls Tooru poisoned and brainwashed by her while the two cry in tandem. Tooru has her jealousy, and he has her rage. If Tooru's badness is hereditary, then maybe that is why their hearts were stolen away from them. They cannot be trusted with their own hearts, or anything else.

It's not just Tooru and his mother, he knows. His math teacher used to chip-chip-chip away at Tooru's resolve to be good and quiet each lesson, leaning into his space and pointing out everything wrong with Tooru's work. _That line isn't straight enough. You read that number wrong. That answer is completely different to the one the other children gave, what is wrong with you?_ He used to hold up Tooru's book and turn in a slow, mocking circle so that everyone else could see it and laugh. Tooru's face would burn red with shame, but he could never complain. He deserved it. His teacher said he was too stupid to be in that class and that is why he was cruel to Tooru. He deserved it for being stupid. Other kids tried talking to him about it, but he brushed them off, told them not to tell anyone. It's not that bad. I deserve it. It's my fault, I'm just too stupid to be here.

His father said, once, that the math teacher was the smartest of them all. Tooru caught his mother shaking her head. If his father approved, that must mean the math teacher had a heart after all, unlike Tooru and his mother. That means the math teacher knows better than Tooru, just like Tooru's father knows better. So if the math teacher says Tooru is stupid and inattentive, then he must be right. Tooru doesn't understand why his mother clutches her drink, eyes brimming with furious tears, and why Hajime shakes his head and sighs when Tooru deflects his questions of transferring classes. He's fine.

Tooru goes to the park and sits on the swings, or watches the stars, or collects bugs with Hajime. Sometimes he is invited to the Iwaizumi house. The fan whirring above them, cookies held in their hands, discussing pointless things with Hajime until Hajime's mother says _lights out._ It is warm and comfortable and so, so far removed from Tooru's home life. He may not deserve it, but they treat him carefully and kindly. They ask him questions about his day and how the volleyball game went, even though Hajime is sure to have told them already. Tooru soaks in the attention greadily, grabs it with both hands and refuses to let go. He is selfish, but he craves this. Hajime's house is always cosy and welcoming. His mother packs his lunch for him. It is the kind of family Tooru desperately wishes for, but the kind of family he cannot understand. The first time he visited, Hajime had to pull Tooru aside and tell him that he didn't have to be so on edge. No one is going to get mad at you for leaving your cup on the table by accident, or for forgetting to wipe your shoes before coming inside. Tooru, shaking, crying, was only comforted when Hajime's father himself told him it was okay, sharing a discomforted look with his wife. Hajime helped Tooru up and found him a tissue to wipe the snot from his nose. The Iwaizumi family are, without a doubt, the kindest people Tooru has ever met. Even though he is missing a heart, he strives to be more like them. Their hearts are full and good, not withered and dry as Toor is accustomed to.

Tooru tried telling Hajime, once. About how bad he is. Hajime just furrowed his eyes in confusion and asked, _so what?_ _None of that matters, Tooru._ Like Tooru can be a good person. Like Tooru is welcome. Like Tooru is deserving of icepacks and bandaids when he trips on the outside steps and hurts his knee. Hajime's mother calls him brave, sends him off with a cheery wave. 

He lays on his back and watches the stars. Atoms only came into existence 1.37 billion years after the Big Bang, which means that if the universe can live without a key part of itself, Tooru can too. What is lacking can be filled with volleyball, stars, aliens, and Hajime. Tooru may be selfish and lazy and stupid, overwhelmed with bitterness and envy and jealousy, but he is yet to become properly cruel. Hajime still sticks around for now. His coach still admires his skill. He is doing okay in class and knows exactly which route to the park is fastest. Tooru has time, and he has hope. There is a life beyond his house, beyond his park. It's written in the stars and in the earth, in every bug and alien poster.

All he has to do is wait for it.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment or kudos to help me out
> 
> and while you're here please consider checking out "take us down and all apart" by ohmygodwhy. it's a super amazing fic and heavily inspired this one


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